whatever is of worth

number 18.

2011-07-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

18. Go horseback riding.

A view from the ranch in Crested Butte.

Last week, I was able to cross another thing off of my list - horseback riding! One of my staff members also works as a trail guide at a ranch and got myself and another staff member a discount to go horseback riding! It was amazing!! My horse's name was Brutus and he was really snacky. I could not get him to quit stopping and eating the wildflowers! And there were LOTS of wildflowers!! We went during the Crested Butte Wildflower Festival. It was a beautiful day and we only got rained on a little bit. It was so much fun and I can't wait to be able to go horseback riding again!! I'm so glad I got to cross this one off the list while I was in Colorado. Here are some pictures from the day!

Jamilyn leading us through a gorgeous aspen forest.

Jamie and I posing with our horses.

Brutus and I!

Two of my wonderful staff members!!

Running Romans 12

2011-06-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

As part of my 24 things to do before I turn 25, I am training to run a 5K - item one on my list. I've started training while I'm here in Colorado for the summer and, although the elevation took a while to get used to, it's going quite well! I'm using the Couch to 5K program and am into Week 2.

I usually listen to a playlist of popular rap/R&B/rock/pop music with an upbeat tune when I run. Today was different. Today, I was running around the Mountaineer Bowl here at Western, thinking about how much I love running up here because of the magnificent view of the snow-capped mountains in the distance and all of the little chipmunks darting back and forth across the track. (I saw at least 6 of them!). I usually always switch to a worship mix when I start my cool down at the end of the run, but today I decided to put on my worship mix instead.

It was so refreshing! I felt more energized. I began to feel at peace, to feel more motivated. It reminded me of a passage of Scripture that I have probably studied more than any other: Romans 12:1:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

Another version says, "this is your spiritual act of worship."

I don't know why I decided that I wanted to run a 5K. I never had the desire to run, I've always hated running and have never been good at it. I've never cared too much about having a regular fitness routine. Although I have found exercising, and now running, a chore in the past, it was different today. I realized that this run is an opportunity for me to spend time in solitude, in thought and prayer, in worship, and in communion with God. It's an opportunity for me to offer myself; mind, body, and spirit to the Lord as a living sacrifice.

Running is not just a workout. It can be so much more for me. It can become my spiritual act of worship.

And that makes it so much more enjoyable.

gunni love.

2011-06-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

Life moves by so quickly. I've realized how terrible I am at keeping up with a blog, but I like to try anyway. It's crazy how much has happened in the last year and how much is about to change in life.

I'm finished with my first year of graduate school at BGSU and my first year of my internship at Heidelberg. The second year of each of those will be so different and will go be even more quickly than the first.

I'm in Colorado for the summer working at Western State College in Gunnison. And I love it here. I don't know how I am going to leave at the end of July because I am in love with the mountains and the people and the school already. Sadly, I am missing a lot of big changes while I am gone! One of my very best friends is graduating with her Masters and moving to Akron. My sister is graduating with her M.Div. and she and her husband are moving to Dayton. And of course, a summer of weddings will continue on while I am having my rocky mountain summer.

I just can't believe I am finally here at Western. The whole process of getting this internship was crazy in and of itself. Through the ACUHO-I internship program, I applied for probably 20-30 internships and did about 20 phone interviews. In the end, I got five different offers for positions and had one measly afternoon to decide where I was spending my summer... Colorado? Florida? Illinois? Arizona? Texas? All of these would be exciting, new and different experiences. Somehow, I just felt in my gut or my heart or somewhere that Colorado was the place for me.

Well, God knows what he is doing because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Being here has been so refreshing. After a long and frustrating year, I am feeling revitalized. I love the students I work with here. They are enthusiastic, positive, and willing to go above and beyond their position. Even when we have a full day of pulling linen, making beds, and doing all sorts of other myriad conference work, they keep a smile on their face and have a good time. They make me laugh and they help me to enjoy my work. I could see myself working in conferences when I graduate. And that's probably one of the most refreshing things of all. After a year of questioning whether or not student affairs was the right field for me, I'm starting to see that there are aspects of student affairs that I am good at and that I enjoy.

All work-related business aside, I am falling in love with Colorado... Gunnison in particular. The scenery is beautiful here! Honestly, people who grow up in the mountains might not understand it, but living in a place like this is a blessing! (At least in the summer!) It still blows my mind to sit at a restaurant on the patio and see snow-capped mountains in the background. Britteny and I spent an afternoon climbing on rocks in a recreation area that looks like the desert. There are so many varied landscapes here, there's just about something for everyone. Mountains, prairies, dusty rock formations, fields... It's amazing! If it were warm like this all the time and we were closer to the mountains, I would be sold on moving here. No question about it. Overall, I think I'm coming down with a case of gunny love. Hopefully I can keep myself blogging and share more of my experiences here. I'm just having such a ridiculous amount of fun here, I have to share!

cold dark stone.

2011-04-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

There is the most brilliant full moon over Tiffin tonight. Walking back from a meeting, I couldn't help but stare at it in wonder. Wisps of clouds pass over it and it shines in all of its fullness. I marveled at how bright it was.

And then I remembered that the moon is really just a big rocky crater floating in the sky. It has no light of its own. It doesn't shine of its own power. The moon is merely a vessel, a reflection of the sun. The moon doesn't shine without the sun. If the moon is blocked by the earth, we cannot see it shining.

This reminds me of a song by Sara Groves, "You Are The Sun," where she sings about this same theme:

I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold, dark night
I know I cannot be a light unless I turn my face to you

This song and this full moon tonight remind me that I am just a vessel, a reflection of the Son. I know it seems like kind of a cheesy thought. It always makes me think of Sunday School or VBS when people make analogies about "sun" and "Son."

But I am reminded that without Christ I am a cold, dark stone. I cannot be brilliant, I cannot shine, I cannot do anything without him first giving me the energy and power to do so. He creates a beautiful, mesmerizing, glowing orb out of a crater-filled rock floating in space; something that has mesmerized people for centuries. And he uses broken people to shine his light into the darkness.

two.

2011-04-16T08:18:00.001-07:00

Number 2 on my list of 24 Things: Listen to every song in my iTunes library. This is quite a feet for me as I have 12,647 items in my library (that's just under 35 days worth of music).

Needless to say, I think I've been doing pretty good! I went through and listened to most of the music that I'd heard so many times before but hadn't actually played in my iTunes on my new laptop. I also try and listen to new music every morning when I get ready. The point is to know what music I actually have so that when someone asks me about one of the artists in my library I don't have to respond with, "Oh, I've never actually listened to that before so I have no idea if they're any good or not."

Here are 10 new discoveries I've made through this process, in no particular order:

1. "Our God Reigns" by Brandon Heath

2. "A Mighty Fortress" by Christy Nockels

3. "Oh You Bring" - Hillsong United

4. "Soon" - Hillsong United

5. "American Honey" - Lady Antebellum

6. "Winter Winds" - Mumford & Sons

7. "See You Later, See You Soon" - Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers

8. "Walking On Air" - Kerli

9. "Carry You There" - Hanson

10. "Just One More Thing" - Sara Groves

24 things to do before i turn 25.

2011-01-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

So I haven't turned 24 yet, but I really want to do this and this list will take me to right before I graduate from grad school. I've seen several blogs of women who have been doing this every year for quite some time and I'd like to do the same if I find this year beneficial. I'm just giving myself a little head start. :)

24 Things To Do Before I Turn 25

Run a 5K.
Listen to every song in my iTunes library.
Find a full time job for after graduation.
Go to New York City & see a Broadway musical.
Read the entire Bible.
Go to a drive-in movie.
Read the Chronicles of Narnia series.
Build a fort.
Magazine cutouts/inspiration project.
Spend the day in an art museum.
Complete one blog DIY project.
Go for a walk in the rain.
Paint.
Visit New England.
Go on a road trip.
Do a retreat.
Learn bar chords.
~~Go horseback riding.~~
Go to a movie alone.
Make a habit of reading the news.
Sister day.
Join a community choir.
~~Clean out my closet/clothes/jewelry/shoes/etc.~~
Give up TV for a month.

Perhaps I'll attempt to keep a record of how I'm doing. I've already started on numbers 2 & 5. Here we go!

timing is everything.

2010-07-02T10:05:00.001-07:00

Wow. Life is crazy.

So, I've been doing my temp job vigilantly since November, trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing and what I want to do with my life. It's been frustrating and tiring and disheartening. In January I applied for a master's program for College Student Personnel. I was really excited about it, it's a great program! Now, the great thing about this program is that every student has an assistantship that pays for their tuition (awesome, right!?). But, there are only a certain number of assistantships available. So I went to the Interview Days and did about 10-12 interviews in one day. The weekend went well and I was feeling pretty good about it. Then the time came and passed for assistantship positions to be offered and accepted. Summer classes for the "off-offers" (students who live and do their assistantship at another school) began. And still I hadn't heard anything. I assumed this to mean that the assistantships had all been filled.

So, I kind of put that out of my mind and began thinking of what my other options would be. I applied for a Non-Profit Management masters program at a university closer to home a few weeks ago. They have rolling admission, so I'd still be able to start in the Fall, and you don't have to have an assistantship to qualify. I could also keep my temp job and stay at home to save as much money as possible. However, it would mean taking out more student loans. So, I met with the head of the program to learn a little bit more about it. I think it would be a great fit for me and I was really excited about getting everything with my application squared away so I could start preparing for that.

The next day, I get a call from HU asking if I am still available for an assistantship. They have one open (one that I was originally interested in) and want to do a phone interview. I am so blown away I barely know what to say. So, I just decided to see what happens. I wasn't about to get my hopes up again about BG. In fact, I wasn't even sure that was what I wanted anymore. So, I did the phone interview and just tried to be myself and figure out if the position was a good fit for me. At the end of the interview they invited me to come to campus to meet some of the other GAs/employees, see the campus and have a casual visit.

Yesterday I went to HU to meet with the staff in Residence Life and talk about the position. I got a tour, lunch, and met a whole slew of students and staff members. They informed me they would be making a decision that afternoon and I would find out the next day.

On the drive home, I was sort of freaking out! I just didn't know if this was what I wanted anymore. I liked HU. The job sounded exciting and interesting and different. Challenging, but in a welcomed way. I liked the town, I liked all of the people I met. I felt like it went really well. But I didn't want to get my hopes up. After talking to my mom and sister, I decided that I would accept the position if they offered it to me.

Well, this morning they called and offered me the assistantship! Holy smokes, I was so shocked I think I was shaking. I think I was half hoping they did and half that they didn't offer it to me. I accepted the position, which means I'll be moving at the end of the month.

I have so many emotions running through me! I'm feeling excited, happy, scared, apprehensive, worried... All of this has happened so quickly and it's been so surreal. The only prayer I prayed for this process was that God would decide where I should be. I said, "If you don't want me at BG, don't let me get an offer, because I'm not sure I'll be able to turn it down." God has his own timing for everything and he has a purpose and a reason for doing things the way that he does. I can't explain it or understand it, but this whole experience has just showed me that God is watching out for me even when I'm not aware of it.

It's been a hard few months and I feel like I've almost lost a bit of who I am along the way. I'm hopeful that this new adventure will help me to discover and rediscover who I am. I know it will be challenging and hard, but I know that God will be with me and that it will be extremely rewarding!

the in-between.

2010-03-30T16:41:00.001-07:00

How does one decide what to do with their life? How do you discern your calling? How do you know what the next step is when a door is closed?

I'm still waiting to hear back about grad school, but am not feeling optimistic about it. This has spun me back into the downward spiral of wondering what I am going to do with my life. What's my purpose, my calling? What's the career path I'm meant to follow? What do I love to do?

I've asked myself these questions a million times and still seem to be unable to answer them. Who am I?

I thought I would have a lot more to say about the subject for a blog post, but I'm at a loss for words. I feel frustrated that after four years of college and nearly a year afterward, I still don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing with my life. I always thought I would have figured it out by now. I always assured people that I trusted that God would point me in the right path, but have I really done that? Am I really trusting that God will show me where to go? That he'll guide me down the right path and reveal his purpose to me?

I don't know that I have. I wonder if I even know how to do those things. I don't know what it looks or feels like to be in that place. I feel like I'm caught in limbo between everything I knew and whatever lies ahead, unknown.

I'm living in the in-between. It's not a very fun place to be. But each day I wake up and I keep going. I don't have a plan yet, but I'm working on it. And hopefully God is too.

from a friend.

2009-10-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted this on his Facebook and it really resounded with me:

10-19-09

Let it never be about numbers and what the world calls success. Let is instead be about Jesus and about love. May I be transformed by my mind being renewed. May I step out of the mindset that I filled with ~~greed~~ and ~~self-satisfaction~~ and in the one that is marked by selflessness. May the opinion of man feel as empty and meaningless as it really is, and may I care only about Your opinion of me. May I never carry my accomplishments on my sleeve knowing that my failures far outweigh them and both are worthless in Your perception. I want to follow You wherever You go- not go wherever I want and ask You to follow me. I want to know the communion of Your suffering that I may better know the joy You bring in times of mourning. I want too experience You just how You are, ~~not how I want You to be~~. I want to love wildly and live recklessly and tell the world to shove it

while I pursue a breath of life and become alive

by finding You in the mountains

and the oceans

and in the homeless

and sick.

May I be a man marked by love and by grace. One who loves because he is loved, and gives grace because he has received it.

we do love.

2009-10-16T20:21:00.001-07:00

we're always changing.

2009-10-06T09:44:00.001-07:00

community: reflections on sacred space.

2009-10-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

I've always known that living in Christian community was different than living in... "regular(?)" community. My life in college was different than life at home, life in high school. I had a community of Christians surrounding me, I was involved in church, campus Religious Life, ministry, not to mention studying Religion as my major.

Now I'm graduated, living at home and back to my high school friends. There's nothing wrong with that - I appreciate, love and enjoy my friends from high school, it's just a very different group of people. And I'm not who I was when I was in high school, and so many of my friends are who they have always been. I'm not implying that it's a bad thing, it's just very different. It's been a little bit of an adjustment to me. From "doing life" with my friends at school, being together nearly 24/7 for our last year of college, holding each other accountable... to something very different.

I'm the type of person who adapts to my surroundings, including the company that I'm in. It's something that I struggle with on a daily basis and something that I am trying to move passed so that I can find out who I really am. At what point do I stop myself from joining in on a conversation riddled with sexual connotation and lacking, to say the least, anything uplifting. Which brings me to another question: at what point do I remove myself completely? How do I stay true to my beliefs and who I am, while remaining friends and without losing the opportunity to be a positive impact in their lives? How can I be a positive force in their life without coming of as a self-righteous, snooty, I'm-better-than-you Christian?

I adore my friends at home. I enjoy spending time with them. But I also know that I need to find a community that's spiritually fulfilling. A place that I can be poured into, while also being able to pour into others. It kind of goes back to what we talked about on the retreat I went on this weekend. The theme was Sacred Space. We are sacred space, within ourselves, because Christ dwells in us (how sweet is that!?). And our community is sacred space, a place for us to open up to each other, to share, to build up, to encourage, to hold accountable. And because of that, we're called to go into the world to create sacred space for others.

I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. It's a process, it's something that requires a lot of prayer and practice. I hope that I can begin to see sacred space more and more within myself and that I can use that to create sacred space in the lives of others.

job update.

2009-09-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

So, I decided it was time for a little update, even if on one aspect of my life.... my job search!

I'm currently in the interview/hiring process with Progressive Insurance for a position in their claims call center. Last week I went in for some preliminary computer screening/testing and was passed on to Round 2. I just had a phone interview today at 2:00 and it went very well. Now I'm on to Round 3, a phone interview (a "behavioral phone interview," to be exact) next Monday at 3. If that goes well, I'll be put through to a managerial face-to-face interview.

A little change in the position I'm applying for. Originally, I applied for a position that started mid-October and was from 1:30-10:00pm. The way Progressive does their scheduling, I would work every Monday, Friday and one weekend day. Then I would choose two of the remaining three weekdays to work. So, I would have one weekday off and one weekend day off per week. However, that specific position with that time slot is no longer being offered, so the one that is available is from 4:30pm-1:00am, same days. Not exactly what I wanted, but I think I'll be able to do it. I really need a job and I'm willing to work this shift, then maybe after a while, I can switch hours.

Just thought I'd send a little update your way, for anyone who's out there. I also have a little blogging plan in the work, because I want to start updating a little bit more. That's all. :)

moving.

2009-08-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

Written Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 11:30 PM.

I keep a playlist of songs with a rating of one star in my iTunes. These songs aren't songs that I don't like, but songs that I do like. I don't really rate songs in iTunes, I just use these stars to mark songs that are speaking to me, that I want to listen to again, or that I am particularly enjoying at the time. After a while, I unstar them and save them all in the same playlist. It kind of gives me a timeline of my life and emotions through music.

Tonight is my last night as a resident of Ashland University. I'm sitting in my almost bare summer dorm room getting ready to go to bed. It's storming outside, lightning, thundering, the whole nine yards. I just spent the last few hours hanging out with a few friends who have been around for the summer. After tonight, I will never again live in a dorm room (unless I go to grad school and end up in campus housing), I will never shower with flip-flops on again (at least as far as I know) and I won't be an undergrad anymore. Technically I haven't been an undergrad all summer since I graduated in May, but I've been able to hold my grasp on that for the summer while I lived and worked on campus for one last summer.

The last few weeks have made me realize that it really is coming to an end. I've been seeing people's Facebook status updates about buying books, packing, getting ready for band camp, moving in, etc. etc. I've been packing up my things to move home as other, younger friends have been packing up their things to move back into this place that I've called home for the past four years. A week or two ago I was doing room checks for my job with Residence Life and happened into my old dorm room that I lived in for the first three years of my college experience. As soon as I stepped in the room, three years of memories flooded my mind. I have a very smell-sensitive memory and just smelling that old room took me right back to the time I spent there.

Tonight I lay in my bed while I chatted with a friend and found myself playing with the string of the blinds that hang in the window. Last summer when I lived in a similar room in the same dorm, I used to do this every night while I was waiting for my roommate to finish getting ready for bed. I've had the window covered with a sheet/make-shift-curtain all summer and just took it off today to pack it up and there was that old string, hanging in my face. It's small things like these that bring back floods of memories of my time at Ashland.

And yet I know I don't belong here anymore. My friends have moved on, a few are staying in Ashland, a few returning for a fifth year, but most have moved home or out-of-state for jobs, gotten married and moved away. I know that even if I were returning for another year at Ashland or staying in Ashland for a job, life simply wouldn't be the same as it was when I was these past four years. Even each year was different from the next, but they all seem to run together after a while. It's just hard to believe how quickly it all came and went. Just thinking about it makes me a little choked up. However, I know that God has something new and wonderful in store for me. I like to say, "I'm excited to go, but I'm not excited to leave." I am very ready for the next step in my life, for new adventures, new jobs, new friends. But I'm not quite ready to let go of this beautiful stage. I don't feel like I'm quite done yet, I'm not quite ready to say that I've learned this lesson and put it to good use, that I've fulfilled my purpose, that I've discovered myself.

But that's what I have to do. Tomorrow morning, after prolonging my departure by a few hours to spend the morning finishing my job duties by checking in students and handing out room keys, I'll load the last of my things in my car, make a few stops to say "goodbye" and head on home. Back to where I've lived the majority of my life, but to a place that I will have to redefine as home. I know that life goes on, but I am not quite sure how to go along with it. But I know that God will be with me, that he will be faithful and guide me through this next step. I'm excited to see what he has in store and where he is taking me.

home.

2009-08-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Since I graduated from college in May I have been in this state of limbo between being a college student and being a "grown up." It's been made even more hazy and complicated by the fact that I chose to remain on campus for the summer, working as a Summer Housing Assistant and continuing with my school job at the Rec Center. Toward the beginning of the summer, as I would walk around campus and continue to see a few friends here and there, at weddings or on visits, I still felt a sense of belonging here. A sense of ownership. This place has been my home for the last four years. It has been nearly devastating at times to think of not returning here in the Fall for another year.

Lately those sentiments have been changing slightly. At the beginning of the summer, I was excited to be hanging out with a group of friends who were also living in Ashland for the summer; people who I hadn't hung out with a great deal during school, but who were still acquaintances or friends in one sense or another. However, as the summer has progressed, I've found myself feeling lonely and out of place here. I'm realizing that the core group of friends that I would want to return to Ashland with will not be there. This past school year I think I both purposefully and unknowingly distanced myself from my friends who were underclassmen. I knew I would be leaving and I wanted to spend as much time with my closest friends as possible, all of whom happened to be in my graduating class. Now those friends are getting married, moving away, getting jobs, making plans, etc. etc. I'm starting to see that it wouldn't be the same without them here. It hasn't been the same without them here this summer.

Over the past week or so I've had to go home twice for trips to help get things together for my sister's bridal shower. I'm slowly moving my things home and storing them up in my room to go through later. I spent two nights at home this past week running shower errands, shopping and hanging out with my family. At the end of the three days I didn't have the usual excitement for returning to Ashland that I'm used to. I'm usually dying to get out of Mayfield and back "home." But Ashland is different for me now. It's not classes, papers, meetings, friends and spontaneous movie nights. It's sitting in my dorm room alone watching television, playing computer games, and feeling myself growing lazier and lazier. Being at home these past few days was exhausting because I was running around all day like I used to while I was in college. I'm not used to that pace anymore because, even when I'm at work in Ashland, I'm living at a much slower pace. I'm sitting around doing nothing. I'm dying to get organized, to take on a project, to get back into a routine.

I've never been excited about the prospect of moving back in with my parents after graduation. I've spent weeks of my breaks away from home, on trips and have barely come home on the weekends. But I think I'm ready now. Ashland is no longer my home. Yes, it will always hold a piece of me. But it's time to move on. It's time to grow up. It's time to get back to life. And I'm excited!

waiting tables.

2009-07-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

I've just recently finished reading this book, Faith and the City. The subtitle is "A Girl's Search for Post-College Meaning." How appropriate, right? It's a memoir written be Jennifer Ruisch about her life after college. She moved to Chicago with a friend and worked as a waitress for two years before finally finding a job that utilized her degree. It talks about her exploration of faith and what it means to be a Christian. Towards the end of the book there's a quote section that really struck me:

When I told my college friend Drew that I had taken a job waiting tables, he said, "Life is all about waiting. We're all just sitting in one big waiting room ... not sure when we're going to be called in to see the doctor." Cheesy, but eerily true.

The terms "waiter" and "waitress" are virtually obsolete in the food industry, having been replaced with the unisex title of "server." Maybe there's a hidden lesson to be learned in the changing language--maybe those of us who have to wait should learn to serve...

That really made me think about my life right now and how I'm spending my time. I'm in this seemingly indefinite season of waiting. Waiting for a permanent job. Waiting for God to reveal his plan to me. I'm in a very similar position as Jennifer except that I'm not waiting tables at a restaurant in a big city, spending my free afternoons at Dunkin' Donuts sipping on Mocha Blasts. Instead I'm sitting at a job that I'm slowly disliking more and more, spending my free afternoons sitting in my dorm room, cut off from the world watching marathons of Law & Order.

What good is my waiting doing for anyone, including myself? The job that I have that actually pays me by the hour is less than rewarding for me personally and I find myself slacking off more and more in my duties. I don't use my time there to serve anyone, I simply use it to wait until my shift ends and I can go hole up in my room. I seem to have lost the uncanny ability that I had in high school for calling people and making plans every night. Instead I spend most nights holed up in my dorm room, waiting for someone to call me. I feel like my life is on permanent pause until I figure out what I'm doing after August 20th, when my housing contract is up and my part-time university job ends.

There is so much more I could be doing with my time if I could only learn to serve instead of wait. I'm sure I would feel more fulfilled. I might even feel like my life had meaning. This is something I really need to remind myself of. It's so easy for me to fall into this rut of sitting around and waiting for something better to come along. But this is it. This is life. This is what I've been given and I need to start appreciating it and seeing the beauty in it. I need to be reminded that I am here to serve. I have been given this life only to lose it. I am not my own.

spain: the ministry.

2009-07-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

This will be my last post about Spain. It's becoming a little tedious to make myself post, but I do enjoy the little bit of debriefing I get from it. In this post, I want to share a little bit about the ministry that we did and about my personal experiences.

what we did.
While we were in Spain, as I have said, Norm had set up a series of workshops for us to lead and put on. In these workshops, Jody taught the women who came about everything from warm-ups to proper dance attire to using dance as ministry. The list goes on and on. It was in intensive version of what I've been learning for the last few years of being involved with dance. There were so many wonderful people who came to the workshops and shared with us how blessed they were by them. Everyone said how different it was from anything they had ever seen before, but how it was just what they needed, just what they were hoping for.

ministry time.
One night, after we taught about dance as prayer and ministering for each other through dance, we had three of the women stay after who wanted us to dance/pray over them: Aleda, our translator, and two girls from the workshops, Ivana and Judith. The most beautiful thing for me about this time was how we were able to speak to these women without using words. I didn't think when I went in that the Spanish/English language barrier would be that big of an issue. Silly American thinking, "Everyone in Europe knows at least a little English. They pretty much have to!" Well, boy was I wrong!! There were a lot of people who didn't know any English. Aleda is originally from New Jersey, so she spoke English and Spanish fluently. But Ivana and Judith both knew only some English. It was beautiful to watch the othe girls dance over these women, sharing encouragement with them through dance. Then, afterwards we shared a time of debriefing and talked about what we were trying to convey to them and what they received from our movements. It was amazing the truth that was spoken and the openness of the communication with these women we had just met. It is so powerful to me the bonds that dance can form.

In general, I think the coolest thing was being able to form relationships with the women who came to the workshops. So many of them were very sad to see us go and are still keeping in touch with some of us on Facebook and e-mail. It was great to see the girls open up throughout the workshops and become more comfortable with their movements. Everything that Norm told us about the Spanish people and how the workshops would run was exactly spot-on. He knew what he was talking about!! It was so fulfilling and encouraging to hear him tell us on our last night that we had accomplished exactly everything that he had hoped for. "Well done, good and faithful servants." And that's all that we can ask for.

personally.
For me, personally, the trip was a little hard for me spiritually. Dance is often a source of attack for me, of jealousy and self-doubt. I find myself comparing myself to the other girls and thinking that I am not good enough to be doing this ministry. I struggled with that a lot during the week and I think I let it take away from the trip a little bit for me. I didn't dive in 100% like I would have liked to, like I should have. And that's something I'm struggling with in my life and faith in general. I hold back so much that I end up missing out on so much and hitting myself for it in the end. But, at the end of everything, I can be happy that the people in Spain were touched by our group and that we accomplished what we set out to do, despite what I gained personally from it.

I am learning to believe... "God is good all the time. All the time, God is good."

I cannot wait to see what God has in store for Spain! We have only just cracked the surface!

spain: the barcelona life.

2009-06-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

While we were in Spain, our schedule allowed us a great deal of touring time. Not only that, but we were blessed to have Norm as our guide, someone who has lived in Barcelona for a long time, but can still relate to and communicate with Americans. In this post I want to talk about all of the things we saw in Spain, the tourist attractions, the beach, etc. and all of the wonderful things about the Spanish lifestyle that we were able to partake in: food, customs, etc.

ibste.
IBSTE (pronounced eeb-stay) is the institution where we lived, a Bible college and seminary: Instituto Bíblico y Seminario Teológico de España. It was right before there graduation and most of the students that we met were there taking an intensive course about witnessing to Muslims. They would spend part of the day or week in the classroom and part of it out evangelizing. All of the people who worked there were very nice and offered to help us in any way they could. The chef, Pedro, made bocadillos for us every day that we weren't going to be eating at the Institute. Bocadillos... oh, bocadillos... haha.. They are like sub sandwiches in the U.S. only different because the ones we ate were usually ham and cheese and olive oil. The ones that Pedro made were usually great because he baked the bread fresh every morning. We just had them A LOT! But we were very greatful for all of the great food he cooked for us and for the rooms to stay in.

We each shared a room, one college student and one adult from Five Stones. I roomed with Amy which was so fun! Our room had a balcony and we could see the Mediterranean from our room. It was pretty hot, but we had fans so that kept the room nice and cool. The first night, I woke up in the middle of the night and was being eaten by little tiny ants! It was kind of gross, but I managed to fall back asleep, after freaking myself out thinking that our creaky fan was a bat in our room somewhere!! The next day they gave me fresh sheets and some ant spray and those little buggers didn't bother me again! The dorms at the Institute were really perfect for our trip and I really enjoyed staying there. It was enough out of the city that it was more like being by the beach, but close enough that it only took us about 30-40 minutes to drive into Barcelona.

barcelona.
We were very lucky to be able to tour Barcelona with Norm and see a lot of awesome sites. One of the first places that we went to was Poble Espanyol (The Spanish Village). This unique part of Barcelona was built for the 1929 International Exhibition. It is a working village with shops and restaurants, but without traffic. Each building is a replica of a building somewhere in Spain, giving the visitor a tour of the whole country in one village. It was so great to walk around the village and see the different architecture from around the country. Norm was able to give us a lot of information about the different buildings and their actual locations - I'm sure he could have talked for hours about each different part!

We also got a lot of shopping done and had some gelato! :) A lot of the shops had artisans that have been working there their whole lives. One woman has been doing embroidery stitch-by-stitch there for her entire life and she has got to be almost 70 years old! We also went to a shop where they sell gold that can only be found there and a shop of olive wood products, made from olive trees. It was a really great experience and I loved just walking around and seeing all of the buildings.

Another of the most famous things we were able to go to in Barcelona was La Sagrada Familia. Sagrada Famila is a giant cathedral in the city, designed by Spanish architect, Gaudi (gau-DEE) - he is where we get the term "gaudy." This cathedral project began in 1880 and Gaudi continued working on it until his death. After he died, other architects picked up the project and it is still being worked on. Norm told me that it may be another 20-30 years before it is finished. In true Spanish fashion, there is no deadline.

The cathedral is amazing. The front side (above) narrates the story of the Nativity of Christ. The back side, which is much more contemporary, shows the Crucifixion and Resurrection. The inside of the cathedral has huge columns that look like trees and a gold-plated ceiling that looks like a canopy. Each column, each tower, each statue represents something from faith. Gaudi takes a lot of his concepts from nature, hence the canopy of trees for the sanctuary. This is a trip I would like to take again to see this cathedral when it's finished!

Later in the week were able to go to one of the more tourist-y spots, the Gothic Quarter. The Gothic Quarter is "Old Barcelona," with the oldest buildings in the city. The streets are narrow and lined with tourist shops. In the middle is a large street/promenade called La Rambla, where street performers line both sides and perform all day long for the tourists. We were able to see a few of them on our last night and they were very talented. Human statues, "bats" in boxes that jump out when you tip them. I wished we would have been able to go during the day when all of the performers were out, but we did drive by one day and there were probably at 20-30 performers out.

la playa.
The beach and the Mediterranean happened to be about a 10-15 minute walk from the Institute, so we were able to go down a few times during our stay. The first time we just went for about an hour in the afternoon and the sand was SO HOT even running across it or standing on the sheet we brought to lay on was too hot. I thought I was going to burn the skin right off my feet!! The second day, a few of us got up at 5:45 and went to watch the sunrise. We were there until probably 2 or 3 in the afternoon. But when we got there in the morning, we were the only ones there for a few hours. We watched the sunrise, hung out, and then in the afternoon when it got warm we went in the water. It was so nice, warm and VERY salty!! The beach was probably my favorite day of the trip.

the mediterranean life.
There were some parts about the Spanish lifestyle that I really enjoyed and some parts that I struggled with. My biggest struggle was schedule. The Spanish people are very laid back. Every workshop, every performance we held was expected to start 15 minutes late and some started even later. I am a very punctual person and I like running on a schedule and being on time, so this took some getting used to. However, there were some things that I loved. For example, greeting each other by kissing on both cheeks! Everyone does this and I loved it! I think it's because physical touch is one of my love languages, I love hugs and physical contact, so I really enjoyed it. Also, Norm made it very clear to us from the beginning that the eating habits of the Spanish are very different from Americans. First off, they eat at very different times than us. Early breakfast, lunch around 2, dinner around 8 or 9. Sometimes (almost always, in our case) a morning snack. Unlike Americans, who eat and happen to talk while eating, Norm informed us that the Spanish talk and happen to eat while talking. It's all about communing together. They sometimes sit for hours talking during a meal. I loved this habit! Americans do everything much too quickly. I really enjoyed being able to sit back and relax.

I'm sure that I have much more I could say about the places we visited and the life of Spain. I guess you have to experience it to really understand. ;) More to come later....

spain: the mission.

2009-06-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

I recently returned from a trip to Spain. I really want to blog about it and share with you and myself what I experienced there. I have so much to talk about, so much to process and I simply haven't taken the time to do that. So, I've decided to write a few different posts about the trip so that I can separate the different aspects of the trip. I may write several post in one day but I want to finish blogging about it this week. This post will be shorter, focusing on our mission, the reason we traveled to Spain and talking about our preparations for the trip.

the vision.
This trip has been a vision in a dreamer's mind for years. Our host, Norman Bowman, a native Ohio-an, has been a missionary in Barcelona for many many years. A few (5ish??, I'm not quite sure) years ago, Norm traveled to Ashland, Ohio, as he often does, with a group of students for a formational prayer conference at Ashland Theological Seminary. At the conference, Norm met Jody, who is the leader of our dance ministry. He saw her dance and knew that this was something that Spain needed to see. The Spanish people are very body-oriented, very aware of their bodies. Dance is even a big part of their culture. However, there is a disconnect between body and spirit when they are in church. Norm saw this and knew that dance could be the bridge. He and Jody began dreaming about bringing a team to Spain to share this different kind of worship with the Spanish people.

the fruition.
The dream finally came to fruition. Jody began working with Ashland University's Study Abroad program and missions organization, Isaiah Project, to organize a trip to Barcelona, Spain. With the help of these two organizations, we could travel under the covering of the university with Study Abroad and Religious Life. We learned about the trip at the beginning of the school year and began praying about our team and our trip. In the end, we ended up with ten women: five students at the university and five adult members of Five Stones Community Church, the church that meets on campus. All of us were regular attenders at Five Stones and this is where the dance ministry was started, although it was a mix of college and church and served both communities. The trip started out as a small tour of a few cities in Spain, but throughout the year we decided to focus simply on Barcelona. We were going to hold a series of four workshops where Jody would teach people about dance.

the preparation.
As a ministry, we meet every week. Our team began staying later and using more time to learn the dance we would perform in Spain. Some of the songs were completely choroegraphed, some where completely spontaneous and some were a mix. Jody put together a program that illustrated all aspects of using dance in a worship service. We had a dance that was used as prayer. We had dances with small groups, large groups and solos. We had dances to songs in English and Spanish. We worked all year on these different dances, perfecting them so that we might present them with excellence for the congregation and also as an offering to God. Jody, who has studied dance in worship in depth and has hosted workshops here in Ohio, prepared her teaching materials for the workshops. Norm took care of all of the arrangements for advertising, booking venues and recruiting individuals to help with registration and translating. We also did fundraising both individually and as a group, raising enough together for all of our team members to go, plus some. This was a miracle in itself as some of us on the trip were having a hard time raising our own funds. It was very cool to see how all of our funds balanced out and we were able to carry each other through that.

More coming soon.... the tourism. the lifestyle. the ministry. the personal experience.

what do i know of holy?

2009-06-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

This song is rocking my world. This song by Addison Road called "What Do I Know of Holy?" Here are the lyrics & a video.

I made you promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made you too small
I never feared you at all, no
If you touched my face, would I know you?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold you?

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire? Are you fury?
Are you sacred? Are you beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured you out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How you were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be
The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire? Are you fury?
Are you sacred? Are you beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of holy?

What do I know of holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of holy?
Of the one who the angels praise?
All creation knows your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

It's especially the first verse and the beginning of verse 2 that are getting to me. "I tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time." Whoa. This is serious. This is me. I have been in this place of trying to figure out who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I just graduated from college and I am woefully unemployed after my summer position is up. I am nowhere near in the position I thought I would be in when I graduated from college. I had plans and dreams mapped out in my mind. Dreams of the perfect spouse, the life-long best friend, the deep personal relationship with Christ. Hopes of self-actualization, self-realization, and a sense of purpose and calling. Plans of job security, financial stability and freedom. But here I am, graduated from college with none of these plans or dreams realized. I don't know who I am. I don't know my calling. I don't have a job or a place to live other than my parent's house. And I often feel more alone than ever, both physically and spiritually. I am dry. "I am poured out like water" (Ps. 22:14).

I feel I have some confessing to do. Not to you, necessarily. Just in general. I don't particularly enjoy praying. Or reading my Bible. I enjoy worship. I enjoy the community of faith. I enjoy church. But in private, it doesn't really fly as much. I believe. I know the Truth. But do I know it in my heart? Do I really believe it? Do I really know anything about God or Jesus? "If you touched my face, would I know you?" I don't know that I would. I pray and pray and pray, but I don't know how to listen. I get so sick of listening to myself ask and ask the same things of God over and over again.

I don't know. I just feel like I am in a really weird place right now. That's the easiest way for me to explain how I'm feeling without getting too close. Without letting anyone else get too close.

Just writing this makes me think I have a lot of processing and self-examination to do. Not something that I usually openly welcome. But this post is so all-over-the-place. There are things that I am just not ready to deal with. #1 - myself. #2 - God. #3 - others. And I'm sure the list goes on.

Right now I'm facing the fact that I know very little of this God who spoke me into motion. That I am a very small child standing along an ocean containing the greatest being I could ever know and instead of sitting in awe of its majesty, I think of all of the things that the ocean could do for me.

What do I know?

i'd rather be on spoke folk.

2009-05-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm a very nostalgic person. I reminisce a great deal. Summer is beginning and, for me, that means that Spoke Folk season is also beginning. Spoke Folk is a summer ministry that I have been participating in since 2005. It is a music, biking & relational ministry that brings together a group of people from all across the country. That group of people puts together a program for all ages that includes music, sing-a-longs, a puppet show, a skit and testimonies. The group then bikes around an area from church to church for a week sharing that program with different congregations and building relationships with the people of the congregations and communities. I have had the opportunity to participate in seven of these trips since I graduated from high school in Ohio, California, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Florida and twice in New York.

As I said, summer is rolling around and this will be the first summer that I will not be participating in a Spoke Folk tour... for several reasons:

On May 9, I graduated from college.
I am serving on a ministry trip to Barcelona, Spain in June for a little over a week. This trip is an amazing opportunity that I am very excited to be a part of.
I am in three weddings this summer. One in May (done!), one in July and one in September for which I am the Maid of Honor. These wonderful occasions call for a great deal of involvement (especially the last one, which is my sister's wedding).
I have a position as a Summer Housing Assistant on campus that only allows for one week of vacation.
I need to find some permanent employment for after the SHA position is up.

These are all valid reasons for not being able to tour. I don't need to justify it to myself in my mind. However, recently on the SF Forums, there has been a lot of talk about upcoming tours and recruiting new people, raising money, etc. Many of the regulars who tour annually are getting excited for their trips and recruiting new people. Let's just say this has given me plenty of occasion to have Spoke Folk on the brain.

One of the posts on the forums was about the top three things we love about Spoke Folk. I don't think I could ever pick only three things, but I can try to put into words what Spoke Folk means to me. What has this ministry done to me that makes my whole body and spirit long to return and participate year after year? I've come to that point in the year. The point where my entire being begins to ache for tour. Not because I need the week of biking 30-50 miles a day or because I particularly enjoy sleeping on floors and showering in hoses in church parking lots. But because of what tour is. Because of who I am while I'm on tour. Because of the people that I am blessed to call my friends while I am there and well afterward. Because of the opportunities it affords to encounter, experience and respond to God with and through love and service.

I'm not quite sure how to put into words all of the things that Spoke Folk has given me; all of the blessings that I have been given through this ministry. There are so many different facets of Spoke Folk, so many different levels and components that not everyone gets to see. And seeing it from both the participant and counselor viewpoints makes it that much more complex.

On the surface is the ministry that we do as a group. We are given the opportunity to be like Christ in the lives of people that we meet. Through Spoke Folk I have learned the power of conversation and quality time. Every day we get to share a meal and fellowship with someone new. Yes, we get to perform our program, laugh at our skits, sing our solos, and do our sing-a-longs. But that's only part of what we do. To me, the real ministry happens before and after the program, during the times of fellowship with the congregation. So many nights when we circle up for devotions and are sharing our highs for the day, the most memorable moments come from the people we have met at the program that night; someone who shared their story, someone who affected us, someone whom we were able to speak to, someone who couldn't wait for next summer so that they could join in our ministry. It's amazing how people respond to a group of young people who are willing to give up a week and a half of their summer vacation to serve Christ.

Not only do we get the opportunity to meet and fellowship with amazing people at our congregations, but we have the same opportunity while we are out biking. Not counting the hours we spend on our bikes talking to and getting to know each other, but spending all day on a bike affords plenty of opportunities to meet and witness to people. You'd be surprised the kind of conversation that can arise when someone opens their front door to see two bikers asking to use their bathroom. Spoke Folk has given me the opportunity to see what it's like to be like Christ to a complete stranger. On my first tour in Ohio, there were 47 of us biking through a rainstorm, needing to find shelter. An Amish family opened their home to every last one of us so that we could eat lunch and get out of the rain. This gave us the opportunity to invite them to our program that night, which they attended, and to share our ministry with them. Again, people are so easily impressed by the ministry that we are doing. I don't feel worthy of that because Spoke Folk is not something I see as a sacrifice because it's something that I enjoy so much.

The biking in itself is a part of tour that many people are often hesitant about. When I did my first tour I hadn't biked in years other than to the pool and back. In fact, the first time I went to ride my bike before tour I fell off just trying to get off the bike while it was stationary! I showed up to my first day of Spoke Folk with two skinned knees. The first training ride we did was about 7 miles. I had to get in the van because I got dehydrated. Believe me, biking is a humbling sport. But, the beautiful thing about biking on Spoke Folk is that you never have to do it alone. You can bike with a different person every day and get to know them more than you could have imagined. When you're biking, you're all out there. You're vulnerable with your physical capabilities. Sure, some people who come on tour are avid bikers ("biker studs") and can bike 60 miles in the Lehigh Valley, no problem. But most of us don't bike on a regular basis. We rely on each other to get through those 50-60 mile days. Especially on the hilly tours, biking takes a lot out of you. When I am biking on Spoke Folk, I feel encouraged and empowered to push myself to the limit. People are there to push you up the hills, not only with words of encouragement but literally too. There's just something special about being in the middle of nowhere, in the woods or in the middle of a cornfield, and having no one but your bike and this new friend to rely on to get you to your destination.

And you wouldn't believe what we miss when we travel by car! Biking gives us the opportunity to slow down and experience God's creation. You experience every hill, every valley, every cloud. You begin to appreciate every breeze and shady tree. I have a picture hanging by my desk that a friend of mine, Kelsey, took on one of our bike rides in Pennsylvania. It's just a picture of clouds but on that day, we were biking and we stopped for a rest and I looked at the clouds and commented on how beautiful they were. They're my favorite type of clouds, the big, puffy kind where you can see every nook and cranny and contour in the cloud and picture yourself walking on them. Every time I see this picture, I'm reminded of that day, that moment and that friend. Kelsey encouraged me through my ride that day and that is one of the very cool things that happen on Spoke Folk.

Spoke Folk is all about community. It's about being a part of a family. Being a part of something bigger than ourselves. Everyone on tour takes on an attitude of service. We help each other load and unload the vans in the morning and afternoon. We help each other set up sound equipment before each show and tear down afterward. We take the time to pray for each other, check on each other, encourage each other. Yes, we minister to the congregations we go to. But I think that we minister to each other even more. Each night we have devotions, we share our highs from the day. We spend time with prayer partners and family groups. We have talk dates to get to know those we don't already. We pray for each other, support each other, give hugs and massages. It's all about love and service. Being in an environment like that is so fulfilling. Spoke Folk is one place where I am always in the mindset, "What can I do for this person?" I wish I thought like that more often. How can I serve? How can I help? How can I pray? I lose sight of that so easily in the "real" world.

The ministry is so important. The community is so important. It's life changing. I went into my first tour hyperventilating with fear at having to spend twelve days with people I didn't know, no matter what. My mom dropped me off and I was almost in tears. An 18-year-old high school graduate, almost in tears at the thought of being in this group of people that I don't know. Being out of my comfort zone. That tour changed me. I came home a new person. Our last program at our home church is one that I will never forget. Our group of 47, one of the largest in SF history, became so close over those twelve days. During our last program, half of our group could barely sing because we were crying so much at the thought that this was the last day that this group would ever be together in this place. Now I realize that I will see many of these people again. I will tour with and visit many of them again. Some of them I still haven't seen again and may never. But those twelve days are those twelve days. Those people, that tour, that place, will never be the same again. It's a time to be cherished and soaked up. I love that. I love living in that time so much, investing in those people, seeing how each person is affected and changed.

This past summer I participated in my first tour as a counselor. It was really different and hard for me at first, but it had its benefits. The group of counselors was like a second family group. And we had some kids who really turned around through the trip. Some kids who didn't really want to be there at the beginning and really didn't want to go home at the end. It's very cool to see the way the ministry works in people's lives.

I've gone on and on for paragraphs about this ministry and why I love it. The truth is, there are too many things to love. Too many friends. Too many memories. Too many blessings to count. Spoke Folk is a part of who I am, a piece of my identity. And I only hope that I can share a small glimpse of that with you.

only love remains.

2009-05-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me, Jesus
As you tear me apart

Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I'm a shadow
But I'm dancing in your light

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

Only Love Remains :: JJ Heller